Walls were a recurring theme yesterday at work. See, I work in a video game store. We have walls on which hang many racks, and on these racks we store many video game cases, and we store the discs behind our cash wrap. This is an efficient way of showing the customer information about a video game without restoring to security boxes on each individual game. Thus we save money, reduce theft, and the customer doesn’t have to hold an unwieldy box or ask for us to get games out of a locked case. This, of course, is not all positive. The big kink in our plan of an almost perfectly efficient storage system is: parents and assholes. See, children are stupid. And rude. And really stupid, and really rude. And no, before anyone says “LOL THEY IS JUST A CHILLIN’ YOU SHAWLDN’T BE SO MEAN!” I will say- fuck you. I have had children of all ages in my store, and the parents who give a shit about raising their kids properly have children who are well behaved, polite, and often times hilarious. When, in the span of 10 minutes, a child comes into the store and says “Excuse me, I’d like a Jirachi!” and then very nicely says “Thanks a ton, you guys are great!” as he leaves, followed by the child who demands a Jirachi, tells me I’m dumb for trying to explain how to do it, then walks over to our marketing and throws down a game case on the floor and leaves it there because the game isn’t out yet, I say “No, ’tis the parents who suck at life.” So parents, suck it up and actually parent your children. Don’t let them run roughshod over the store, then get pissy with me when I act upset about having to re-alphabetize 50 games your shit just threw on the floor. And to the woman who, after her kid took seven games and put them back in the wrong place, said “Oh, these were in some sort of order weren’t they? Well they aren’t now!” Fuck you. Fuck you with the fury of a thousand suns.
Jesus, that was a long digression about children. Suffice to say, I hate it when parents bring their brats into the store. Mostly because they treat it like a day care center, which is not only insanely rude it’s also insanely dangerous because I am not paying attention to your kid like I would be if I were actually supposed to watch it. Why we don’t have parenting licenses, I will never know. (Even though I do know, we’re part of a society in which not having children is viewed as a failing and children are treated, at best, like pets often times. Not to mention it is considered a ‘human right’ to produce more humans, even though the vast majority of them will contribute little, consume much, and will lead horrible lives because their parents suck at everything. Yes. That’s a human right we should all support.)
So yeah. But that’s only one part of my wall stories for the day! There are two subsets of video game players that put me into a rage every time I have the misfortune of speaking with them. I encountered both yesterday. The first is the retro gamer. Now, don’t misunderstand, I like nostalgia, and I like old games. These are both fine things. The retro gamer, though, takes nostalgia too fucking far. If I may draw a parallel, take classical music. Bach is one of the finest, some would argue the finest, composers to ever exist and I won’t deny that. His incredible skill does not in any way shape or form mean that music produced in the modern era is not as good, or can not be as good, as the music he produced hundreds of years ago. It’s pure idiocy to say otherwise. It’s also idiocy to claim that, as retro gamers do, the music from the past was all better than what we have today. We remember, what, twenty? Thirty? Maybe forty composers from the hundreds of years classical music has been around. How many others do you think existed who were just horrible? How many hundreds were just pure shit? More than you think. The same is true with retro games. There were some true gems in there, I won’t deny it, but honestly? Most of it sucked. The vast majority of it sucked. Even some of the ‘classics’ aren’t even good by today’s standards. Of course standards change all the time, so they may be good again in the future, but let’s not kid ourselves here. Many of the classic games aren’t good because they were quality, they were good because they sucked less than anything else out there. Enough of this tangent though, I apologize.
A retro gamer came in and talked about “how lame Sonic 4 was going to be, because it didn’t look like the old ones and how awesome Megaman 9 & 10 were because they played just like the old ones, and gamers today can’t appreciate a good challenge because they’re all lazy and want an easy game [why hello commercial success of Monster Hunter and Demon’s Souls- Josh] whereas all the games in the past were hard and no one sucky played games.” First of all, fuck you. Secondly, that is patently untrue. Even if games are “easier” that isn’t a bad thing. Not too many people want the balls hard challenge of Demon’s Souls, and that is fair. Most people want a mildly challenging experience in which to be entertained; that is fine and is also good. If games reflect that mindset they draw in more players, which draws more money, which means more games. Secondly, retro games weren’t hard because they were challenging they were hard because of the limitations of the systems. There was no real way, at the time, to introduce challenge to a game without just adding tons of enemies, arbitrary things that had to be done, and pixel precise jumps. These aren’t the hallmark of good game design, they’re the hallmark of limitations of consoles and developers. Games that have these pitfalls today are, rightly, considered poorly made.
I haven’t even gotten to the second kind of person that pisses me off yet. Shit.
The other kind of gamer that pisses me off is the “I blame everyone but myself for my sucking.” A man came in last night to trade in CoD: WaW, CoD: MW, and CoD: MW2. He claims that he hated MW2 because of “the game being stupid and sucking,” because, zomg, you can’t kill a guy with one bullet after it goes through glass. But “I can get shot across the map from an AUG through two houses, a window, and a box.” (Bullshit.) He then proceeded to tell me he has “An average kill to death ratio of 30:1 in most games, but in MW2 it’s more like 1.2:1. So that just shows you how shitty the game is.” First of all, even if I believed that, it doesn’t mean MW2 sucks. It more than likely means that you suck or, at the very least, it means that you suck at figuring out the new things in MW2. As popular as MW2 is, I don’t think so many people would be playing it if it was as broken as you say it was.
But he kept complaining.
And then it occurred to me. I figured out what his problem was. He kept talking about how he would unload into a guy’s back, and never kill him, how people would come out of nowhere and murder him, and how he could never find anyone. He also said he just moved. Then it clicked. The dipshit was blaming the game for his shitty internet connection. “Because it’s all hosted man, that’s stupid. It pisses me off. So I throw my controllers through the drywall, man I’ve gone through so many, it’s hilarious.” No, it isn’t hilarious. You’re an idiot. A stupid idiot who should be cunt punched. “But it’s all the host’s fault, I don’t wanna play with some douches who are in the same room and then I come in and get all laggy. That isn’t fair.” That isn’t how it works, sir. Not most of the time anyway. If you have a shitty host, which causes you to lag, it more than likely will cause everyone to lag. If you have a good host in which most people are fine, but you aren’t, you have a shitty connection. Going to Battlefield 2 won’t fix that problem because, even though they have servers, your connection still sucks! Yeah, it’s a 20mb connection. From Mediacom. I have the same thing. I know you play between 5pm and 12am. That’s when, if you’re lucky, the connection is 1mb. Your connection sucks. I hate you. This of course completely ignores the fact that he feels entitled to awesome servers, despite not wanting to pay for them. I’m all for individual servers, believe me, but if a company doesn’t want to support it suck it up. Fucker.
So. That was a lot longer than planned.