Pat and I saw the Vampire’s Assistant today. He convinced me to see it because we both love seeing terrible movies, then mocking them relentlessly (see: 9) and it is an excellent way to kill an afternoon when there is nothing else to do or see. Now, we fully went in expecting a bad movie. We were under no delusions that this would be good. (I mean, come on, it had Will Ferrel’s partner as a fucking vampire.) But oh how we were wrong. So so so so so so wrong.
Apparently adapted from a series of books, the Vampire’s Assistant is about a boy who becomes a vampire in order to save the life of his best friend who was bitten by a deadly spider, which he stole from the vampire who makes him into a vampire. Still with me? It doesn’t matter. The friend gets all pissy and bitter because it was his dream to become the vampire, wank wank wank, they become mortal enemies, whatever. The plot I could forgive, if the acting was good or if the fight scenes were cool, or hell even if the damn movie was funny.
Speaking of funny, the other people in the audience got quite a few laughs from the movie but none got more laughter than this gem:
Boy: So can I turn into a bat?
Vampire: No, that’s bullshit.
*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA* OH MAN, LET ME GET UP OFF THE FLOOR I AM LAUGHING SO HARD. OH MAN, OH LORD I CAN’T BREATHE.
And that was the BEST JOKE in the whole damn movie. I think the movie was just trying to be edgy and funny by using curse words (they said shit 4 times and damn once, and not a single damn did it make any sense for the characters to use them.) So yay, cussing a good movie makes? I dunno.
The acting was horrible, and actually the most convincing actor was fucking Ferrel’s partner- it should tell you something about your movie when the best actor in it is the guy who was a star of Taledega Nights. The main character had the emotional depth of a rock, the villains were so over the top or one dimensional that they were reduced to tedium, and… FUCK.
And the plot made no sense, they would just bring up random stuff then toss it away. “I create zombies!” Oh that’s cool. Why? No idea. How? No idea. Does it matter at all? Nope.
FUCK I HATE THIS MOVIE.