Oh boy! I do so love going to the library! There are so many books for me to look at- books about how sew a quilt, or why the Nazis were right, or why Liberals all want to eat babies, or why Bill O’Riley tastes like duck! Oh I have no idea where to start with all of these books. I think I will start with the non-fiction section, there are a lot of them good ‘learnin’ books over there- or so I hear- so maybe I can find a worthwhile book and learn a new skill! Or maybe enhance an old skill. Or who knows, the library is full of possibilities!
Well, so far the non-fiction section isn’t doing too much for me. There are a lot of of topics, but not too many that scream out at me to be read this very second. But that’s okay, I’ll just go over to the next row and start looking at the books there! YAY! Oh. Well this row isn’t too terribly exciting either. I think I stumbled into the woman’s health section, not that there aren’t good books here; most of it just doesn’t pertain to me (I hope.) Oh well, time to move on to the next—
Wait. Is someone looking at me? That’s weird. Yup. Sure enough, someone in their study cell has their door open and is glaring at me through the window. Interesting. Well I’ll just stare right back at him and then he’ll look away and we’ll both go on with our merry lives.
Wait. He isn’t looking away. He’s just staring at me. Is he staring at me? Maybe he’s staring at the wall behind me and I’m just being rude. Okay. I’ll look away, it isn’t that big of a deal. But I do need to finish looking at these books on the shelf behind me, creepy staring person be damned. What the hell?! He’s still staring at me! I’m sure of it! Every time I look over there he’s just staring. Then he stands up, makes some disgusting spitting noises, then stares some more. This is bizarre. It’s like he doesn’t want me anywhere near his little cell, even though this is a public library and I can take all the time in the world if I want to!
Ooo! “Why Do Men Have Nipples?” That is a hilarious book. I shall read some of it. Hehe, people drink silly things to get rid of hangovers. Holy shit, he’s still staring at me! Hehe, people turn stupid after taking E. Hehe. Huh, Mr. Creepy man finally left his cell. Well, time to move on I guess.
Holy crap! He’s back in his cell and is waiting for me to walk to the end of the row so he can glare at me. This is just spooky. Oh well. I’m tired of being in the library now, I’mma go home. Huh, I think creepy guy is leaving his cell– yup there he goes. Maybe he decided to go home. Whatever. Oh look! The door to the library, soon I will be back in my car– HOLY SHIT HE IS WAITING FOR ME. HE SAW ME COMING AND HID AROUND THE CORNER WHAT THE FUCK.
Okay, time to go back inside and wait for him to come back in. Well, I might as well check out the fiction section you never know what is in there sometimes. Like A Canticle For Lebowitz, excellent! I’ve been wanting to read this for a while. Wait. I think creepy guy is walking in this general direction. Huh. Whatever. Maybe it isn’t, I’ll just check it out whenever they walk by. Oh, it is creepy guy. Oh well, no biggie. Wait. Wait. Why is he walking up to me? Good lord he’s short. No wonder he’s so pissed off.
“Hey, you got a problem with me?” Oh my god. He sounds like a chipmunk! Hehe, I almost can’t resist laughing at his absurd voice.
“No, not at all.”
“Why you giving me those dirty looks?”
“I’m sorry? I wasn’t giving you–“
“And why you laughing at me?”
“You don’t know who you’re FUCKING with. Watch your fucking back MAN.”
I. I… have no idea what just happened here. I think this short high pitched chipmunk man threatened me because I dared to make eye contact with him, and/or was in his general “territory.” Okay, I’m going to hit up the audio books to see if he follows me then get the fuck out of dodge.
Nope. Didn’t follow me. Good. Ooo! A Paul Krugman book! Excellent. Wait. Oh what the hell, he’s just walking around the library looking for me. What the shit is with this guy?!
Fine. Time to check out and go. Ah, the librarians are so nice to me! They cleaned a book for me and everything. Yaaaaaahhhhh shit! Creepy guy just went out the front door again!
Damn it all, he’s waiting for me. Ugh. Fine. I’ll get my keys out into stabbing position, and I’ll walk with other people leaving the library. Okay. Leaving. Yes. He is standing off to my right. No, he isn’t making a move. Cell phone out, 911 is dialed. Okay. If he comes for me stab his ass and call the police.
Nope. Nothing. Fuck it, I’m getting in my car and leaving.
Okay, in my car. Should I have kept on walking? Too late now. Whatever. Time to go. Oh my god. He’s taking down my plate numbers and make and model as I leave! Fuck it, I’m going to the police with this shit. Oh, and my good old pocket knife, 5 inches of pure stabbing mayhem. Bring it douche bag.
(Sadly, none of this was exaggerated in anyway. Even the quotes are verbatim, or as close as I can remember.)