Trolling Is An Art Form

How many of you have played an online game before? Be it an MMO, FPS, Strategy game, or just (like me these days) Magic the Gathering. Have you ever met someone whom upsets you? Maybe they intentionally get your group killed, maybe they’re hacking on TF2, or maybe they’re playing with an 80 dollar deck in the causal room. All of these instances are upsetting, and believe me I know; I’ve experienced all of them, but ultimately you can’t do too much to these people (aside from kicking them from the group or server, and/or conceding a game to them) and the thing you *really* don’t want to do is bother them about it.

Not that this stops me, of course, but it still isn’t a great idea.

See, there are two kinds of people who do things like I mentioned above: people who do it willfully, and people who don’t. That’s it. If you get people from the latter category, and you point out what  a douche tool they are being, they will generally get upset and say things like “Dude calm down dude it is just a game dude I didn’t know dude dude duder!” And then people from the former category will say things like “Hahahaha, what a n00b! Awww, j00 gonna whine to mawmmy now?” Even if you are polite, and are just trying to help them play the game better, you will accomplish nothing with these two breeds of people, and will just end up pissing yourself off. IT ISN’T WORTH IT.

This kind of happened to me last night but in reverse. Seriously! I was playing a 4 player free for all on MTGO and the game was rapidly going in one player’s favor (we shall call him Douchefuck) and was slowly swinging to another player’s favor (we shall call him fuckwin) and neither of these players was *me*. Now, I mentioned it before, but I will say it again: this was a four player free for all meaning we all were to play however we wanted, attack who we wanted, and generally be selfish players. So the game, as I said, was rapidly not going in my favor at all. I knew what I had left in my deck and I knew, without some massive changes, I wasn’t going to win. Or even come close. What did I have that could make massive changes to the board while still giving me a chance? Oh yeah! Warp World (warning reading the text of Warp World has been known to cause temporary insanity) which summed up basically does this: the game enters a completely random state so anyone can theoretically take the lead. Warp World is a bad idea online sometimes, because it can cause the client to slow way down and can take 10 minutes or longer to resolve it all. But I wanted to win, or at least try, and I played it.

Douchefuck didn’t like this at all. He decided that I intentionally tried to slow down the game, was wasting everyone’s time, and did it for no other reason than to let Fuckwin become the victor. I told him that I didn’t really have a chance anyway, so I wanted to change the game state since it was free for all. And due to the random nature of Warp World I didn’t really know if it would help me or not (it didn’t) but I played it anyway because a small chance of winning is better than not a single chance in hell of winning. Alas, douchefuck didn’t like this logic so he spent the rest of the game mocking me at every turn. Like when I forgot about an ability (mostly because I was reading Dune by this point) and a creature died to it. So, fine, Mr. Whiney pants. I’ll come back and troll you like you so want me to. So I trolled his ass for the next 30 minutes.

And it was glorious.


(This post is a rambling mess, I know.)


About kylock

Man, biographies are really hard to write because sometimes you just don't know what to write about and then you ramble on pointlessly for a while about your hobbies (video games, reading, programming) and end up boring your readers because they expect something witty and insightful (there are only two ways to save money, neither of which involves hookers) and then readership falls off and you cry yourself to sleep.
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