A Brief Interlude

No matter how much you may think that your puppy likes playing tug-o-war with you, she actually doesn’t. In fact, it isn’t an activity that the puppy enjoys at all- to the puppy tug-o-war is a matter of life and death. Now now, don’t start laughing at me quite yet (there’s plenty more blog to come, don’t waste your laughter here!) and just hear me out; your life is at risk every single time that you decide to play with your puppy.

To a dog whatever object you happen to be ‘playing’ tug-o-war with isn’t actually a toy to the dog, itactually represents the single most important thing in the universe to that dog: food. When you play tug-o-war with a dog what you actually doing is convincing that dog that you are trying to steal all of its food. Why do you think the puppy tries so hard to get the toy away from you, and even goes so far as to try and bite your hand so that you’ll let go of it sooner? They don’t care about the playing, they want you to let go of the damn thing so they can go devour it and be the leader of their pack. While it is rare, interfering with a dog’s natural dominance/food cycle can cause the puppy to lash out in a balistic rage: devouring all that lay in her path, sparing no life be it man, plant, animal, or insect. Truly, the only thing that can stop an animal that has entered the “berserker” form after playing too much tug-o-war is medium grade weapons fire- assuming any human being is fast enough to draw a line of fire on the beast.

Do you remember the Roanoke colony in Virginia? It mysteriously disappeared, and to this day no one knows where everyone went or what happened to them. That isn’t true at all. We’ve known for generations what happened to that colony, we just didn’t want to hurt the burgeoning puppy trade. Oh you think I’m lying do you? What other animal could devour whole colonies yet leave it almost completely undisturbed? You would think that a demon would disturb the entire colony leaving mayhem and terror in its wake- but this certainly isn’t the case in Roanoke. There, it was eerily calm- almost as if the people just got up and walked out their doors. But that wasn’t the case. One 10 year old child decided to play tug-o-war with his new puppy, and as soon as his parents saw this they pulled out their musket and shot the child dea knowing full well that the musket may well only injure the puppy and drive it into the “Rage.” Sadly, the murder of the child had the opposite effect. The puppy smelled fresh blood and raw meat and was smart enough to recognize that the musket represented a threat to it.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Please, don’t let the world be consumed by the vicious mouths of demonic puppies. I love puppies as much as anyone else on this planet, but if we continue down this path one day the dogs will snap: and I don’t think even god himself could save us then.

-Snow

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About kylock

Man, biographies are really hard to write because sometimes you just don't know what to write about and then you ramble on pointlessly for a while about your hobbies (video games, reading, programming) and end up boring your readers because they expect something witty and insightful (there are only two ways to save money, neither of which involves hookers) and then readership falls off and you cry yourself to sleep.
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